Seeing as how some of the biggest news sources in Boston and the national scene have resorted to writing articles about high school rumors involving vampires, it is my duty as a blogger to sink to even lower levels. Thus, I’m proud to bring you the first (and most likely only) edition of the Elementary School Rumor Report.
The latest & juiciest rumors to hit the playground
- Timmy O’Keefe is apparently responsible for all the missing kickballs at the Roger Clapp School. Rumor has it he’s been selling them on ebay to earn enough money to buy a Xbox 360 Console. Shame on you Timmy, there’s better ways.
- Vicky Sullivan is rumored to be breaking up with John Williams due to him “kissing like a 4th grader”. But how will he improve without a girlfriend, Vicky? Prose of a Pol says give the guy another shot!
- Apparently, Billy’s dog did actually eat his homework. We say pics or it didn’t happen.
- Insiders close to the clique report that the Ashleys will no longer be friends. The long-lasting most powerful clique on campus is rumored to be ending due to, what else, a boy.
- A fight is planned for after school between heavyweight Ken “the biggest dude ever” Stinson and the small but quick Tom “the ninja” Vazquez. Odds began at 5 to 1 for Ken, but Tom’s statement that he’s not afraid to kick Ken in the family jewels has closed the line down to 2 to 1.
There you have it, all the news that’s not fit to print.
Oh, and this post is not a prank but Happy April Fool’s Day nonetheless.
Thanks to striatic for the excellent photo.
Note, all names used above are made up. Any resemblance to real name is mere coincidence.